Warning: random rambling to get rid of thoughts flooding my mind. Information omitted for privacy purposes.
I interviewed for a company today. It definitely did not go well. I’m not the best at interviews, but I know that I’m capable of selling myself and I did not sell myself well this time around. It’s a sinking gut feeling of knowing you have the ability to do well, but ended up choking because reasons.
The application process has been long and frustrating; however, I got a call and got scheduled for an interview. Granted, it was a screening interview, but I met with a manager of the position I applied for after the screening and that did not go well. Immediately, I felt rushed and as if I had lost the company’s interest. At the time, my anxiety was already through the roof from the previous interview, so maybe that showed. I was ill-prepared for questions that had nothing to do with my experience in the workforce. Instead, I was asked questions about what drives me and what kind of life I see for myself.
I hate to blame this disease called chronic clinical depression for not allowing me to truthfully answer these questions, but, I don’t see any other explanation. I know when I’m not depressed or anxious, I am confident and smart and quick-witted. When I’m in a bout of depression and anxiety (these past six to seven months), I’m suddenly faced with my greatest enemy: myself. When I was asked about my future, my passion, I blanked.
No, this is not what I intend to do for the rest of my life, I answered in my head when asked about my career goals.
Nothing drives me. In fact, I struggle to get out of bed every morning and often feel like there’s no reason for my existence, I thought when asked about my greatest motivation.
That is where my interview tanked. I’m sure it showed how completely lost I was in my life, and I chose to apply to this position only as a safety net, nothing more. I left feeling drained of all my confidence and can only think about the relief I would feel if I did not get the job.
But, then I think about the relief I would feel if I did get the job. The financial relief. That’s it. I can’t imagine being happy or growing in this field.
So, if the opportunity is present, do I take advantage of it? The last time I did that, my mental health paid for it. I became physically ill when I did take it. The money was not worth it. Then, I think about how I’ve been taking losses for the past two years and there feels like no end to it, so maybe I am so used to it, I just expect to fail when I don’t want to fail.
I have respect for anyone who struggles and fights their own thoughts in their head because I know how exhausting it is. The fight is seriously difficult. I try and do good things to move forward in my life and my disease stubbornly pushes back.
Stay tuned for a possible turnaround. I’m still hoping for the best even though my body is trembling with anxiety and I can’t feel my hands.