As someone who frequently falls into the deep pits of overthinking, I often find myself reflecting on specific encounters or events in the third person. I try to be as rational as possible, using a third person perspective to figure out where I may have strayed from an ideal situation to an embarrassing one. I consider myself unbiased in these reflections; however, I have realized that my logic remains in favor of my perception.
Stumbling upon numerous articles and consuming media has led me to the conclusion that our memories are never close to what really happened. I have learned that over time, memories do change. Sometimes new details are added, sometimes parts are left out. I will always remember something as I experienced it. The one thing, however, that I cannot change is how I felt during that moment in time.
I’m not saying that memories are completely unreliable. It’s mostly that replaying something over and over in my head (which is my tendency) begins to change after a while. Most of the time, my emotions become stronger each replay. I remember it first immediately after the fact, then over time in retrospection, I feel more of it. What I feel more of could be anger, sadness, embarrassment, regret, happiness, etc. The point is, the experience begins to change. All of a sudden, the antagonist becomes more evil and abusive, or the weather is as perfect as the moment was. It may be like this solely for me because I refuse to feel anything as things happen, so the influx of emotions in retrospect may be trying to compensate. This habit of mine is unhealthy because that means that I secure any life-altering experience into a box and leave it in the corner of my mind until it festers into something more sinister, which will eventually lead to heightened expectations of others or deep, emotional scarring.
In a way, the memory becomes more real. Knowing that my experiences have feelings attached to it help me understand it more. Acknowledging that the memory will never be as it actually happened doesn’t mean that it is no longer valid; rather, it allows me to humanize myself. I know what I have to work on in order to overcome new obstacles.
It does not hurt to add to a memory as long as the additions are truths. If I cannot remember every detail, I know I can rely on how I felt at the time and go from there. Sometimes, my mind blocks what happened for my mental safety; but, I am trying to open up and allow myself to feel everything in hopes of growing into a stronger person. I just have to be careful not to wallow in my miserable experiences or constantly yearn for a specific feeling, becoming depressed that I may never feel that way again.
I guess I’m getting somewhere.
never alone 
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